I'm not an Asshole.. I promise?

Illustration By Henn Kim 

Illustration By Henn Kim 

So.... I timed myself last week. I used a timer every time I sat on my phone looking at Instagram. And I'm actually embarrassed at how high the number is. 


No wonder I've been feeling like garbage lately. I go into this vortex of self deprecation and then criticize myself so unfairly. I think- why don't I have that move yet? Why can't I do roll ups? Why can't I do reverse meathooks, why can't I do a back lever, why can't I have a middle split, move my back more, open my shoulders up...

Why can't I train more? Why do I have this day job? Why can't I afford the amount of training I know I need to excel the way I want to? I start looking at other peoples feed and get, well, jealous. Why can't I travel the world and just do circus? Why am I not good enough? 

I feel spiteful. I feel underwhelmed and overwhelmed all at the same time. I don't know when I stopped looking at aerial for all it's possibilities to learn, for giving myself the time and patience to enjoy the ride and not focus on the destination. When I started aerial, it was 2014 and there were maybe 30 friends of mine of Instagram and I used maybe 3 filters. I only knew the life around me. I would go to aerial gyms and feel inspired and I think seeing the people doing amazing things in front of me made it more tangible. Like.. I could just ask someone "hey how'd you get into that wrap?" And then even if I couldn't do it, I could learn how to. I need more of that. 

I also need to give myself a break. For me, self care is actually taking the time I need to do things for myself- and one thing I've been working on is getting my nose undeviated- unbroken. I know I'm going to be out of aerial for 2 weeks after, but I've also had a lot of appointments leading up to it. I haven't been training 4 to 7 days a week. My whole life can't stop because I want to work on a back planche. And that's just the tea. 

So, I unfollowed some of the people who I look up to so much that I feel like garbage when I see their progress. If any of ya'll are reading this, just know I'm not pissed, or being spiteful. I'm just a little crazy right now. Right now I need to focus on my own life and stop fantasizing others. And thats fucking hard. I mean, we all use social media as a highlight real, right? 

I know I do. 

I mean, to be honest I've auditioned for 3 different gigs this past year and didn't get a call back on any of them. I'm new to auditioning and I have no idea how people distinguish their self worth from what someone says at an audition. If you have any tips- that'd be fucking wonderful. 

So yeah. That's what my brains been doing lately. I think this is the first time I've written this blog to actually sound like a "blog" and whats going on in my head and uhh, it feels good. Weird. But good. 

Here's a quote I love- thanks Shannon for sharing it- 

So many late night thoughts about power tricks in circus in a time where dismantling systems of power is more prevalent than ever. Trained monkeys congratulating each other for the best demonstration of rigidity. Let’s relax our legs and let our power not be a learned trick but a felt sense of our life force.
— Homobandito AKA Cohdi Harrell

Have you experienced a "rut". Whether you don't feel good enough or, like you're doing something wrong? Or that you lost your passion for wanting to learn new things? What did you do to get out of it? And what are your favourite self care rituals? Let me know in the comment section below. 


Thanks for reading along.