"Cancel Her Call Back"- 2018 Edition

“You didn’t get the gig because the Universe needed you to be available for something else”

“I heard the company was extremely hard to work with- so it’s for the best you didn’t get it. Trust me”.

Theyre not worth your time”

“What about next year? Can you ask them why they didn’t chose you? To learn from?
— Well Meaning Friends/Family




Listen, 2018. If you’re trying to tell me that performance shouldn’t be my lot in life, and I should focus on something else I HEAR YOU LOUD AND FUCKING CLEAR.



*Slowly stands up from the fetal position and begins to dramatically walk, shoulder sulken while her left arm is draped around her ribs.. A slight drag in her left leg while she approaches a dimly lit rope.*

Turns to Rope:  “I guess it’s just me and you, kid. Not but really, because no one else wants us”.


I told myself this would be the year I started auditioning for things- that I put myself out there more, get more stage time, try auditioning for shows and gigs. To just, see what happens. And man- there have been more than enough Nos.


Actually there’s only been Nos.

I’m 4-0 on no’s right now and I gotta say- fuck me. How do people do this for a living? How do people audition again and again, to constantly get rejected and try again? I mean, I’m over here butt hurt bc I wasn’t chosen to stilt walk at Paradiso but I’m not dependant on it for my rent.


And I thought that audition went well! I was there from 1220 until 415. I registered as a stilt walker and aerialists but had to audition with the dancers, in a hot warehouse for 3 hours before the specialty acts even happened. I did open drops and high energy rope- and had fun with it- even though I was EXHAUSTED. And then, I was the only stilt walker there and the very last person perform in front of the judges. (They actually forgot they even had stilters there and I had to run up to the judges table to remind them.) But I got up in less than 2 minutes and walked around, dancing and high fiving folks and having a good time as a 7 ½ ft tall woman. But No Dice you guys. And honestly I think the hardest thing is interacting with the folks who got it. I’m legitimately excited for my peers success. What’s painful is trying to A) not make it about me and B) try to convince them I’m alright so again to not make it about me. I know I know, I could say “OMG LOVE that’s thrilling! Im just bummed I won’t be there with ya!” But even that’s taxing.



I guess this is a really really bloggy kinda post where I just complain about how little I’ve accomplished as a performer in 2018.. But if I look at it lesson wise… BITCH. YOU GUYZ. I’m kinda getting my ass handed to me by the universe in some serious painful growth spurts kinda way. I’m just so thankful I have a therapists now. Truly. I don’t know if I could even make this website and put myself out there to begin with without her support.


Thanks for reading- and yeah- thanks for following along y’all. I’m working on some really fun artsy projects for the site so stay tuned. (Because if other people don’t want to Direct me- well bitch I’ll produce my own shit. And THAT’S THE TEA.)